Monday, June 29, 2015

Nana Banana

Tell me you're not gone gone.
Tell me that you've gone to visit family in Minnesota, Maine, Colorado.
Tell me you're off to Branson, Missouri with Papa to watch country music concerts live.
Tell me when I said goodbye to you at Patsy's back in January, that wasn't for good.

I need you. I'm not grown up yet.
I need your hugs.
I need to hear you say, "Hi honey" when you enter the room.
I need your laugh.
I need your reassurance that I'm doing ok in the world.
I need to hear you say, "I love you."
Tell me that you can still do all these things.

I think I understood how your lungs must have felt
Seeing Papa without you by his side made it difficult to breathe
Family with you felt wrong.
Your celebration felt like a party without you invited.
It rained on your memorial celebration.
How can life be complete without your love and humor?
You were Christmas personified.
You were joy and love in the flesh.

I know that if I had my way, it would never be your time.
I also know that my phone will always say "Nana and Papa" for my contacts.
I know that you're in Heaven with all your past family and your son.
I also know that I have things in my life that I wanted you here for.
I know you lived a long life and have pictures with memories to prove it.
I also know that there will be more photos that won't have you in them.

Give me a call and tell me that they're all mistaken.
That I'll be seeing you soon.
That you'll give me a hug
Call me honey
tell me you love me
that all will be ok.

For the rest of my life here on Earth, I'll be waiting for that call.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Pressure Perfect

It tightens my throat,
it turns my stomach inside out.
I am short of breath.
I tip toe through social situations,
smiling heavily to take the focus off of my heavy chest,
and the sweat building on my neck and forehead.
I feel constant pressure. 
Pressure to be perfect.
Pressure to know all the answers,
or what is best to remedy troubled relationships.
No one acknowledging that I too am going through this life,
unsure which route to take and using my best judgement to do what I believe is right in God's eyes.
I wish people would understand that I too am terribly flawed.
I'm a sinner.
I do NOT know everything.
I make mistakes.
I take risks that sometimes don't work out.
I am by no means perfect.
I too didn't deserve Jesus' love.
But yet I received it and therefore do deserve it.
I do what I can to please my Lord, but constantly fall off the path.
I just wish someone would come up to me and tell me they recognize I'm sinful, and no means saintly.
I would close my eyes and my lungs would fill up with oxygen that would revive my soul.
Tears would get heavy and stream down my face, and
I would respond with a simple, "Thank you."

Monday, September 3, 2012

To My Little Brother and Sister

My baby girl and my shy darling boy,
You've done nothing to deserve this.
you've done no wrong, it's God who has let you down.
You are so precious and have done nothing but treat the world with kindness.
 I wish I could absorb this torturous agony you have brewing in your heart.
I wish I could curse God and make Him see the error of His ways.
If I could, I would make it all go away and take the blame for you when God asked who the punishment should go to.
I would give you your dad so you would never have to know what it is like without him.
I would give you all the memories other little boys and girls get to have with their dads.
Every time I talk to my own father or think about the memories i'm going to have with my dad that you won't, I feel guilty.
I promise you both that no matter what you do in your life, even though i cannot provide your dad in the physical sense, I, your brothers and sisters, or Mom will be there for you always. 
Your father will always be with you.
He will always love you and be proud of you.
He will see you on your wedding days.
He will see you get ready for prom.
He will see you graduate high school.
Grow old, become parents yourselves.
As for I,
I will never leave you.
I will always support and love you.
You've done nothing wrong.
I wish I could show you all the ways you've done the world right.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Old Friend

my dearest friend, how I've missed you. how i need you and forgotten you. I have so much to tell you. so much emotion and fear that i want to write to you, but when i throw it at you,it doesn't stick. I need you, to get my thoughts in order. I need you to understand where i'm going with my life. I write to you, and when you summarize it, my life makes sense. What happened to us? We used to talk weekly, sometimes more. but when my fingers touch a keyboard, or my pen goes to paper, all of a sudden my thoughts are like braille, and i'm hopelessly trapped.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Apartment 13

In some ways, I miss the company given by apartment walls. I have grown up and moved out since a child, but when I visit my mom, I remember what I did not like about apartments and the one thing I do.

 To those who have never been given the priviledge to live in one, let me educate you in saying that each wall has a story:

the wall in my kitchen tells me of a woman and her two children
Dinner is in an hour, not a big snack!
Mom! Tell Nicole to give me my necklace! She TOOK my necklace!
she sometimes yells, and her sigh always precedes it as if helpless and exasperated
I never hear a male voice

One wall in the main bedroom plays television crime shows,
all day, all night.
emotionless, dull, aloof, solitude, sadness

My sister's bedroom wall is quiet during the day,
Role play and improvisation
laughter and bed squeaks
rehearsal at night
curtain call around 2

The bathroom walls conduct symphonies of flushes
and water faucets howl in the showers and sinks
the light switches click day in and day out like punch clocks

Anthropologically, it is fascinating
as a human, it's concerning
that life is the same for everyone,
 but how life treats you depends on what you make of it
And while that is a simple idea,
many have no knowledge of the concept.
even for me.
As a child, and now, I listen to the stories from the walls,
to see what I am missing in my life,
or how lucky I am to not be the people in the walls.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Meaningless Motivation

When there is no inspiration,
the mind is mellow and the body remains dormant.
1000 obstacles move rapidly together,
but the body moves through quick sand
and hardly keeps up with the lack of progress.
of desire, of motivation.

To do,or write,
or believe something like the wonderfully impossible as possible.
That a sparrow could sing with a chorus of stars,
and the fish can dance to these rhythms through Poseidon's current.

Anything to pluck the strings of creativity, to remain "in tune".
Anything to break the forth wall of imagination.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

*+~`Write Me Something`~+*

My words are heavy when I produce them
sinking to the ground before they are heard
destroyed,demolished, every minuscule word
as they clash with the cement, they're condemned

 I began writing my words with pencil
in order to add color to my dull speech
so a bigger audience could be reached
but this was also the wrong utensil

I learned pencil adds areas in shades of grey
and causing doubt to my level of intellect
the root and cause, I cannot detect
so there's no importances to what I say