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The Push and Pull

  Eyes entranced on the horizon, I am reminded of the small, but significant, role I play amongst all God’s creation. I am one, on the beach, located in a state that is made up of fifty other states that make up one country, which is tied to many other countries, on top of a rock that rotates around the sun every 365 days, in a universe that is tied to one of many galaxies. I am one small human, sitting upon trillions of microscopic shavings of rock, shell, and life matter. Each particle of sand sifting through my toes and laced between each finger. I close my eyes and roll the sand between my index and thumb finger, trying to feel for what one grain of sand would feel like in my hand. No matter how small it felt, it continued to dwindle into particles of nothingness. The salted air beckons me to the ocean and I walk towards the water. With each sinking foot step, I feel new sand being introduced to the old. The dryness of it rubs against my skin. The sand begins to moisten, as cold wa
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Side Effects of COVID

I see a black hole in my mind. I drop a stone and I don't hear it fall. It just an emptiness staring at me with not eyes, no mouth, and no soul. Even with a change of scenery, new dialogue with a family or friend, I hear the stone just clinking around, wanting rock bottom and I wish it would end.
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Nana Banana

Tell me you're not gone gone. Tell me that you've gone to visit family in Minnesota, Maine, Colorado. Tell me you're off to Branson, Missouri with Papa to watch country music concerts live. Tell me when I said goodbye to you at Patsy's back in January, that wasn't for good. I need you. I'm not grown up yet. I need your hugs. I need to hear you say, "Hi honey" when you enter the room. I need your laugh. I need your reassurance that I'm doing ok in the world. I need to hear you say, "I love you." Tell me that you can still do all these things. I think I understood how your lungs must have felt Seeing Papa without you by his side made it difficult to breathe Family with you felt wrong. Your celebration felt like a party without you invited. It rained on your memorial celebration. How can life be complete without your love and humor? You were Christmas personified. You were joy and love in the flesh. I know that if I had
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Pressure Perfect

It tightens my throat, it turns my stomach inside out. I am short of breath. I tip toe through social situations, smiling heavily to take the focus off of my heavy chest, and the sweat building on my neck and forehead. I feel constant pressure.  Pressure to be perfect. Pressure to know all the answers, or what is best to remedy troubled relationships. No one acknowledging that I too am going through this life, unsure which route to take and using my best judgement to do what I believe is right in God's eyes. I wish people would understand that I too am terribly flawed. I'm a sinner. I do NOT know everything. I make mistakes. I take risks that sometimes don't work out. I am by no means perfect. I too didn't deserve Jesus' love. But yet I received it and therefore do deserve it. I do what I can to please my Lord, but constantly fall off the path. I just wish someone would come up to me and tell me they recognize I'm sinful
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To My Little Brother and Sister

My baby girl and my shy darling boy, You've done nothing to deserve this. you've done no wrong, it's God who has let you down. You are so precious and have done nothing but treat the world with kindness.  I wish I could absorb this torturous agony you have brewing in your heart. I wish I could curse God and make Him see the error of His ways. If I could, I would make it all go away and take the blame for you when God asked who the punishment should go to. I would give you your dad so you would never have to know what it is like without him. I would give you all the memories other little boys and girls get to have with their dads. Every time I talk to my own father or think about the memories i'm going to have with my dad that you won't, I feel guilty. I promise you both that no matter what you do in your life, even though i cannot provide your dad in the physical sense, I, your brothers and sisters, or Mom will be there for you always.  Your
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Old Friend

my dearest friend, how I've missed you. how i need you and forgotten you. I have so much to tell you. so much emotion and fear that i want to write to you, but when i throw it at you,it doesn't stick. I need you, to get my thoughts in order. I need you to understand where i'm going with my life. I write to you, and when you summarize it, my life makes sense. What happened to us? We used to talk weekly, sometimes more. but when my fingers touch a keyboard, or my pen goes to paper, all of a sudden my thoughts are like braille, and i'm hopelessly trapped.
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Apartment 13

In some ways, I miss the company given by apartment walls. I have grown up and moved out since a child, but when I visit my mom, I remember what I did not like about apartments and the one thing I do.  To those who have never been given the privilege to live in one, let me educate you in saying that each wall has a story: the wall in my kitchen tells me of a woman and her two children Dinner is in an hour, not a big snack! Mom! Tell Nicole to give me my necklace! She TOOK my necklace! she sometimes yells, and her sigh always precedes it as if helpless and exasperated I never hear a male voice One wall in the main bedroom plays television crime shows, all day, all night. CSI, NCIS, LAW & ORDER, JUDGE JUDY, JUDGE MATHIS emotionless, dull, aloof, solitude, sadness My sister's bedroom wall is quiet during the day, Role play and improvisation laughter and bed squeaks rehearsal at night curtain call around 2 The bathroom walls conduct symphonies of flushes and w
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