Sunday, October 14, 2012

Pressure Perfect

It tightens my throat,
it turns my stomach inside out.
I am short of breath.
I tip toe through social situations,
smiling heavily to take the focus off of my heavy chest,
and the sweat building on my neck and forehead.
I feel constant pressure. 
Pressure to be perfect.
Pressure to know all the answers,
or what is best to remedy troubled relationships.
No one acknowledging that I too am going through this life,
unsure which route to take and using my best judgement to do what I believe is right in God's eyes.
I wish people would understand that I too am terribly flawed.
I'm a sinner.
I do NOT know everything.
I make mistakes.
I take risks that sometimes don't work out.
I am by no means perfect.
I too didn't deserve Jesus' love.
But yet I received it and therefore do deserve it.
I do what I can to please my Lord, but constantly fall off the path.
I just wish someone would come up to me and tell me they recognize I'm sinful, and no means saintly.
I would close my eyes and my lungs would fill up with oxygen that would revive my soul.
Tears would get heavy and stream down my face, and
I would respond with a simple, "Thank you."

Monday, September 3, 2012

To My Little Brother and Sister


My baby girl and my shy darling boy,
You've done nothing to deserve this.
you've done no wrong, it's God who has let you down.
You are so precious and have done nothing but treat the world with kindness.
 I wish I could absorb this torturous agony you have brewing in your heart.
I wish I could curse God and make Him see the error of His ways.
If I could, I would make it all go away and take the blame for you when God asked who the punishment should go to.
I would give you your dad so you would never have to know what it is like without him.
I would give you all the memories other little boys and girls get to have with their dads.
Every time I talk to my own father or think about the memories i'm going to have with my dad that you won't, I feel guilty.
I promise you both that no matter what you do in your life, even though i cannot provide your dad in the physical sense, I, your brothers and sisters, or Mom will be there for you always. 
Your father will always be with you.
He will always love you and be proud of you.
He will see you on your wedding days.
He will see you get ready for prom.
He will see you graduate high school.
Grow old, become parents yourselves.
As for I,
I will never leave you.
I will always support and love you.
You've done nothing wrong.
I wish I could show you all the ways you've done the world right.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Old Friend

my dearest friend, how I've missed you. how i need you and forgotten you. I have so much to tell you. so much emotion and fear that i want to write to you, but when i throw it at you,it doesn't stick. I need you, to get my thoughts in order. I need you to understand where i'm going with my life. I write to you, and when you summarize it, my life makes sense. What happened to us? We used to talk weekly, sometimes more. but when my fingers touch a keyboard, or my pen goes to paper, all of a sudden my thoughts are like braille, and i'm hopelessly trapped.