Friday, December 23, 2011

Apartment 13

In some ways, I miss the company given by apartment walls. I have grown up and moved out since a child, but when I visit my mom, I remember what I did not like about apartments and the one thing I do.

 To those who have never been given the priviledge to live in one, let me educate you in saying that each wall has a story:

the wall in my kitchen tells me of a woman and her two children
Dinner is in an hour, not a big snack!
Mom! Tell Nicole to give me my necklace! She TOOK my necklace!
she sometimes yells, and her sigh always precedes it as if helpless and exasperated
I never hear a male voice

One wall in the main bedroom plays television crime shows,
all day, all night.
CSI, NCIS, LAW & ORDER, JUDGE JUDY, JUDGE MATHIS
emotionless, dull, aloof, solitude, sadness

My sister's bedroom wall is quiet during the day,
Role play and improvisation
laughter and bed squeaks
rehearsal at night
curtain call around 2

The bathroom walls conduct symphonies of flushes
and water faucets howl in the showers and sinks
the light switches click day in and day out like punch clocks

Anthropologically, it is fascinating
as a human, it's concerning
that life is the same for everyone,
 but how life treats you depends on what you make of it
And while that is a simple idea,
many have no knowledge of the concept.
even for me.
As a child, and now, I listen to the stories from the walls,
to see what I am missing in my life,
or how lucky I am to not be the people in the walls.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Meaningless Motivation

When there is no inspiration,
the mind is mellow and the body remains dormant.
1000 obstacles move rapidly together,
but the body moves through quick sand
and hardly keeps up with the lack of progress.
of desire, of motivation.

To do,or write,
or believe something like the wonderfully impossible as possible.
That a sparrow could sing with a chorus of stars,
and the fish can dance to these rhythms through Poseidon's current.


Anything to pluck the strings of creativity, to remain "in tune".
Anything to break the forth wall of imagination.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

*+~`Write Me Something`~+*

My words are heavy when I produce them
sinking to the ground before they are heard
destroyed,demolished, every minuscule word
as they clash with the cement, they're condemned

 I began writing my words with pencil
in order to add color to my dull speech
so a bigger audience could be reached
but this was also the wrong utensil

I learned pencil adds areas in shades of grey
and causing doubt to my level of intellect
the root and cause, I cannot detect
so there's no importances to what I say

Monday, September 26, 2011

Wrinkles

When I'm old, I want laughing wrinkles
to form like the rings inside tree trunks,
collecting wisdom, and age over time,
but telling a story of the series of heart aches,
and trials and how they were washed away by joy,
of being loved by a loving being,
and the feeling of every problem being a mole hill.
They will leave their mark on my skin,
carved with the utmost care.
I want the world to see that my sadness never became a part of me,
but my smiles did.

Judas

I feel that we are no better than Judas.
How often do we practice betrayal?
We sell out Jesus for petty treasures
For friends, with school,
over-consumption of alcohol,
lies,ridicules,gossip, adultery,
through the movies we watch and music we listen to.
No matter how compassionate, and understanding He is,
We betray him,
And above all else, seal it with a kiss.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Just My Luck

Two for one special.
Oh how special am I?
I feel heartless,
full of emotion but no where to put it.
How did this happen?
This has never happened to me before!
Oh God, You are so comical.

Hilarious!!

Give me a moment to stir up laughter.
Sorry I didn't laugh sooner,
I've just been drop kicked to Tim-Buck-Two
and pimp slapped with a two-by-four.
But hey, this is life, yes?

You told me what I needed to hear,
and I heard what I wanted to hear.
My fault, I get it.

So now what?
After all is said and done, I'm still cornered with limited options.
I'm scared.
I'm nervous.

Who do I go to for advice?
Because I am thought of as being strong,
and the strong are never weak,
and the weak can never help the strong,
so who do I turn to?
...
..
.
I am pathetic.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Unorthodox Serenity

Salinas, sister of Escondido and Elsinore.
I am with you always.
No matter where my nomadic feet wander off to, you draw me in,
and I feel that comfort I have not felt since I was a child.

You are my home.
My center of gravity.
The street fair musician's drum beats rhythmically with my heartbeat.
I breath in tune with the childrens' laughter.
It's remarkable how happy a community is without money or earthly treasures holding them down.

My ears bleed at the sound of your name stripped of genuine welcome and battered by drivers and pass-byers.
The bubblegum scars and aged beauty does not fool me.
You're beautiful to anyone who stops to learn.
You may not be perfect, but you show true contentment.
Show me the sweet majesty of imperfection, Salinas,
and I'll inhale deeply.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

If God Loses, Satan Wins

Childish pastimes were always this in my eyes,
the lies he and she buys came to no surprise,
and I never sympathized with their ties to immature ogreism


because at one point they all do and one day if they're lucky they see and agree
there is an irony, life is not care-free, but a symphony of let-downs and devastation
handed down from one shmuck to another via debris we call words


 I may have a chip on my shoulder, but know that
I knew at 5 or 6 years old that life was no cartoon comic strip,
to carry a stiff upper lip and prepare for it one hardship at a time
and if you let one iota of optimism slip, your heart gets ripped out of your chest
with no courtesy warning, that's life. Get a grip.


I wish I knew what it felt like to wake without apprehension,
to not pay attention, or have retention of the consequences my actions
and to live in this alternative dimension and I wish this conversation
was not condescension, but I can't help my frustration.


Okay, stop. 


I don't necessarily believe what I am writing either,
 as a child this was my lifestyle which caused me, trail after trail, 
a sense of denial of who I am,
and what He wants me to be and I know this sounds hostile,
as I pile my projectile bile for miles and miles. 


Let me make it worthwhile:


This is why I am bitter. I see on facebook and on Twitter people doing stupid things.
Despite the heart's pitter patter of God's love asking to be let in,
They speak of parties and drunken states and injections and heartache, but behind the glitter,
I see nothing more than a unmistakably regretful, passively unproductive, quitter.


You don't have to play grown up everyday, but listen to what God will say,
I'm not saying all work and no play, that too is not the way, but
let Him mold you out of clay and let Him use you in a way
that Satan himself may not.Don't allow Satan to prey, 
but learn to obey and pray. 


Criticism is not what I am about, I guess what I mean is be like a child other ways.
The good ways,don't follow the social norm of your community. When life weighs you down you
have two options which will either praise or slay God's name, and throughout the craze in an endless maze
we must help the strays stay a blaze for the remaining of our Earthly days. 

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Courageous.
No one could take that title away from her.
She's afraid, but that does not dissuade her.
She has the profound gift of in-depth vision.
She knows this world is much bigger than she is,
shadowing over her like a wave superiority,
but instead of fighting it,she accepts it and leaves the
world in a state of perplexity.
This makes her stronger.
Battle won.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

This Incidence Showed Consequence

When I'm sad, can't make me glad,
Not when all I've had is gone, you'll just make me mad.
Nothing can alleviate the porous pain I have.

Don't punish the young that resides in my eyes
with belittling words from the tongue swung
like dung, SMACK, to the wall.

self-value is low, although, the slow blow,
should be seen from a mile away like a crow's eye view 

With that known, I retreat alone,
secure on my personal throne, feelings unshown,
and the heart on my sleeve,OH so carefully sewn

I abhor, ripped off my clothing, no longer a part of me,
suited to battle this turmoil war, I still can't ignore,
still unsure, I let out a roar, to release the sore,
 from the crevices of  my disappointment.

Take rest and know, that he is not yours.

Someone else's someone. I have not been crossed.
I have not lost. Eyes glossed, this future future embossed,
there is a cost to loving, and being loved, and living.

Monday, May 2, 2011

How Quickly We're Entitled

How quickly we're entitled.
Justice will prevail.
Osama must die,
and don't you dare cry;
the bastard did not deserve jail.

How quickly we're entitled.
Jesus showed us love
somehow we can  hate,
and don't have to relate
or know what sin is made of.

How quickly we're entitled.
In no way are we the same.
With a bullet to the head,
Osama is dead,
and we can walk without shame.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

My Obvious Secrets to Happiness : 15 Lessons I Keep in Mind




1. The only person that can ever truly make you happy is yourself. Stop depending on everyone else.
2. People lie, stuff happens. Don’t take it too personally.
3. Want people to think you’re amazing? Start believing you are, and then they will too.
4. Smiling is the ultimate anti-depressant. Smile and laugh out loud, it doesn’t look stupid, I promise.
5. The world is never just black and white, right or wrong, one way or another. Try and see things from as many points of view as possible.
6. "Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter, and those
who matter, don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss
7. Have empathy.
8. Gossip, problems of the past, events you cannot control, negative thoughts and negative people; time spent on these is time poorly wasted.
9. When you're jealous or find yourself filled with hatred for someone/something, stop. The only person its hurting is you.
10. Although the newest, most expensive material items may make you feel complete, they cannot comfort you  or listen to you when you need it. Make sure your priorities make sense.
11. Step outside your comfort zone- it’s when you’ll really feel alive.
12. Learn to laugh at yourself because sometimes, it is funny.
13. Let your emotions out sometimes, humans have them for a reason.
14. Celebrate the things you have. Think only positively of the things you don’t.
15. Love unconditionally ♥.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

To My Savior, My Teacher, My Friend

My heart is light.
My soul is bright.
And who can EVER says this?

Life kicks me down.
When I'm on the ground,
It's nothing I will ever miss.

Anger inside,
born with too much pride,
but I know my Lord exists.

Therefore I'm content.
Therefore I relent.
soothed by Lord's blissful kiss.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Immortal Legacies

You try to avoid it when you are young,
but the older you get you see it's inevitable


I see her in my smile,
the way I fold my right hand and place it on my knee while driving,
she's in my writing,
my laughter,
she's molded my hips,
given my cheeks color,
every horror movie reminds me of her
(oh, not for the reasons you are thinking!)
my sensitivity was because of her,
my humor is a result of her.

You try to avoid it when you are young,
but the older you get, you see it's not so bad.
I don't know where, but I need to go.
disappear if only for a moment
go where only God can find me
close my eyes and drift to my paradise

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Tea Pot and the Kettle

Self-assurance

Who Is Superman?

Who is our Savior?

How can we assure others if we lack self-assurance?

Those who lack it speak empty words.

meaningless and pointless.

The best assurance, is one self-inflicted.


Friday, April 1, 2011

My Recent Battle With God

Sometimes I want to box with God.
He sucker punches me when I'm not looking
so sometimes I want to fight eye-to-eye

Sometimes I get this feeling he's sitting on a cloud
filling up balloons of heart ache and sorrow
and deciding which helpless soul to drop it on

He ties a knot on top and lets me have it.
ddddooooooowwwwwnnnn, CRASH!!!
I don't think he laughs, but I wonder, "why?"

Why he feels my life must have this
unending,
overwhelming
down pour of tears.

It never ceases.

I want to catch the balloons that fall and throw them right back
let them crash to return the favor
I would not be proud, but I would feel happier

I deal with the devastating effects
only to put up arms for the next attack
it is never one balloon, it always falls in armies

one by one it is an on-going crash
my body undulates into a typhoon
until the stirred-up voice inside of me screams in desperation, "ENOUGH!"

tears streak down my neck
I am on my knees
palms to the ground
surrendered

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Mr. Satan, Sir.

The tapping of his shoes to a joyful melody.
Top hat tilted sideways in a sense of verily.
This harmless, gentle sight is also "the enemy,"
his arms wide open with a sense of serenity.

This Prince of Lies will make one's misfortune a treasure,
manipulate God's pain and turn sins into pleasure.
This gentleman soars low for his wicked endeavor.
His soft, calming smile makes deception look clever.

He will fetch you a chair, and velvet curtains will rise
Center stage, spot light, no noise, merciless,chaos dies
turns snakes into doves, you're deliriously surprised
It's mustard-seed effort, whistles and bells, tricks and lies

Curtain call, he takes off his hat, bows and you are awed
 the audience cheers, lights fade in, you stand to applaud
his slick moments and kind embrace can never be flawed
and there is a moment in time you think he is God


One doesn't see him coming, and calls him by his name,
he'll rip apart the soul, burn it in eternal flame.
Oh befriending the devil when the devil is vain!
He'll stab your back, chain you down, and drag you where he came.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Breakdown

"They found more."
That's all you have to say
and I'm paralyzed.
For once I want you to be safe.
You have no words to reassure me.
You never were one for comfort.
crying helplessly.
I stand on my own,
feeling guilty because I'm frozen.
"You'll be alright."
"Everything will be okay."
Will it?
I hope I'm wrong and you'll be healthy,
but I can't lie.
Who am I fooling?
Your eye sight is waning.
Your skin births big brown spots.
"They found more" is the phrase I never want to hear again.
Those three words can never be associated with something happy.
Not anymore.
How can it?
When the only time I have been hearing it, is when you're losing the battle,
and I feel defeated.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Matthew 12:18

"Here is my servant whom I have chosen, the one I love, in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will proclaim justice to the nations." - Matthew 12:18

Spiritual duties make my chest heavy with obligation
but the expectations are invigorating 
I feel pressures, but also more inclined 
He delights in me He has chosen ME
of all people, from any nation
me


Spiritual obligation sounds derogatory 
mostly just intimidating, sky-scrapper high
I can proclaim justice to the nations?
of all people, to any nation?
me?


Derogatory as it may sound,
I want nothing more than to be a servant
Proud I am, but stupid I am not
I'll serve on my knees, humbly
to disappoint Him would end me
of all people, of all nations.
me

Friday, February 25, 2011

Impatience

God, you have a plan I'm not seeing.
After all, I am only a human being.
Yeah but come on, is peeking "cheating"?

Why is my plan only for You to know?
Think about it, in what ways can I grow?
 How would I become a bible pro?

When it's put that way, how selfish!
I mean, for this to be my only wish!
Oh and this,and this, and this and this.

Oh wait, hold on God, this is concerning.
I see the lessons that I am self-learning.
How my patience You're routinely yearning.

 Even though you ask for it everyday,
there's always something I have to say
(which always ends up in my way).

Okay God, I get it, I won't throw a fit,
crossed arms, closed-mouth, and sit,
and take in every little,tiny bit.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Alternative Mentality

What'cha gunna do now, Jack?
You're backed into a corner with limited options.
No smooth sailing when the wind has died.
You can't go coasting uphill.
You're done for.
A sure dead man.
Now what Nomad?
Your language traveled miles.
It was common to pick up and venture off,
even your mind was prone to nomadic tendencies,
but even with your eyes shut,
you find yourself at a dead end.
cut off.
with bridges burned,
and you're on the wrong side.

Monday, February 7, 2011

From Me to You... Always

To My Certain Someone,
I don't know you and I'm already yours. Entirely. Whole-heartedly. While others take part in Earthly liveliness, I withhold. Why? Because I don't want small samples of happiness. When I want something, I go through with it entirely. When our worlds meet, I want to make sure you know I had never given up. I've waited, and I'll always wait. Even when I get discouraged, it's just a moment of weakness. You make me weak, and I will have no trouble letting you know it.
I need to come clean though, World weighs me down and I spend most of my time trying to rise above it. I can hardly contain my excitement at the idea of companionship. Someone who can support me when I fall (standing alone is much harder). I want to laugh with you. I want to see the world. Let's dance, and turn our cheeks to the jests and mockery. I want to show you off. You make me so joyful. It tickles me pink that God made you just for me. World tells me that I'm missing out, but don't worry, I'll occupy my mind by believing you'll prove them wrong.You'll hold me in a confident embrace and  kiss my lips with the deepest love no one had ever spent the time to establish.
When you see me, you'll know. I'll be the girl who can't stop staring. Probably laughing my nervous, girlie laughter you can't help but think is adorable. I'll know you. You'll be the one with the calmest of eyes, soft smile, and the most precious heart that instantly will warm mine.
Oh, isn't this beautiful? We are the lucky ones.
I love you,
Your Certain Someone

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Purposeful Living

Is it strange for a young woman to be content with just...being?
The spirit works best in silent contemplation.
Settled souls do not wish to be stirred.
Emotions spiraling into a downhill velocity
does not aid in the act of listening.
Chaos only hinders progress,
and distracts me from the path.
My mind is tick-tocking.
Is it possible I'm missing out?
No, the spirit works best when calm.
Nothing should flip my heart inside out,
or alter my strength in judgement.
Love should always come in its purest form.
Wisdom is shared through soft whispers in the wind,
and subtle tugs of the spirit.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

I can be negative,
but then I see
someone being nice to me.


I can get angry,
so to blow of steam
it is best to wipe the slate clean.


I can be sad,
but then I'm shown
that's how happiness is grown.

I can get bored,
but what's lying ahead
is better than a day in bed.

A constant chore,
and sometimes beguiling,
in the end, I'm caught smiling.

Monday, January 24, 2011

How Time Flies

It seems like just yesterday we were kids,
I hated you and you loved it.
You made me so furious.
You brought out the worst in me.
I remember hitting you with a wire hanger,
and slamming your fingers in my bedroom door.
You made me run Butterfield Stage,
until I felt sick and you laughed.
You told me the Spice Girls were lesbians,
and sometimes pretended to be possessed,
just to make me cry.

I saw what I wanted to,
I never stopped to see how beautiful you are,
loving and thoughtful.
I never noticed that you walked me to school in the mornings,
and that you took care of me when Mom was at work late at night.
Of course you'd pick on me,
I was five, and you were only nine,
but you also made me food when I was hungry,
and made sure I got my homework done.
You were a child, taking care of a child.

I chose to always see you as my punk sister,
but it wasn't until I was fifteen,
that I saw you as a young woman,
who could one day be someone's wife,
and later someone's mother of their own.
It seems like just yesterday we were kids,
you'd pick on me
I spent my time trying to physically cause you pain.

Now we're all grown up,
and I'm building my future,
taking care of myself.
and you're someone's wife,
soon to be mother.
Wow, how time flies.

Friday, January 21, 2011

No Vacancy

Don't ask me how I'm doing if you don't care to know.
You won't break me, just pick up and take off-
Stop with the lingering.
Don't forget to pack your insecurities and put it in a box.
Write "just like me" in sharpie.
Take the coward way out and remind me why I didn't want to believe.
There's so little of me to offer, but you didn't have trouble taking it.
I was hesitant on opening up, but
Like travelers who've wiped their feet on my generosity,
Nomad, you've been blunt.
This isn't my style, and this isn't your thing.
I'm no one's regret.
No one's mistake.
Pick up and take off so I can pick up and move on.
I remember now why I've never believed.

Friday, January 14, 2011

So I See the Moon...

The moon sings remedies outside my window


He sits on the clouds and skips stars into a lake of sky.

2011 Prayer

My Only True Friend,
Help me believe in myself,
because even though you have always believed in me,
I have been my toughest critic.

Prince of Peace,
Help me understand how blind faith works
because right now I can see through my blind fold,
 but I'd never admit it.

King of Kings,
Help me trust you'll guide me to the promised land
because the promise you've offered me,
can't be treated like promises from others.

Mighty God,
Help me drown out Satan,
because when I close my eyes I see him in my face,
waiting to look me in the eyes and laugh.

Loving Savior,
Help me be vulnerable and brave,
because when someone tries to come close,
I push them away with a ten foot pole.

Dear Father,
Help me make beneficial mistakes,
because I forget I'm human,
and that you will always love me.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

H2O

mirror image
childhood memories
solitude in a tub
the undulation of the water when I moved
first time warmth had wrapped its arms on my skin
water-logged ears, body submerged
the noise pollution is muffled
noise-sensitive, can't breathe
,but the water helps drown it.